Stella Awards

Just goes to show the intelligence of the American jury (and judge) in
awarding these!


Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!
4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500. and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it to her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2ndPlace:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge . She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses
1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Best out of Office Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-"duh"-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'

Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Great Truths about Growing Old

) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're downthere.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rockingchair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers toask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician!
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Great Truths that Adults have Learned

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great Truths that Little Children have Learned

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch thesecond person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Grandma's Driving

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

PS - Sorry!

Some Thoughts on Labelling and Instructions

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".(And that would be how?)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". (But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (And you thought otherwise?)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking this because?)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Little Bruce

Little Brucie was in his junior school class when the teacher asked thechildren what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answerscame up; fireman, policeman, salesman, politician; etc.
Brucie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let themsleep with him"
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouringand then took Little Brucie aside to ask him, "Is that really true aboutyour father?"
"No," said Brucie, "My father plays rugby for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say".

Precious little angels address some questions...

How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

What is the right age to get married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6

How can a stranger tell if two people are maried? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mum and dad have in common? Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10

What would you do on a date that was turning sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9

When is it OK to kiss someone?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

How would you make marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

A woman's random thoughts!

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free?????. You either married it or gave birth to it!
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like "You know, sometimes I forget to eat". Now? I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen witch?..do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: Eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Heaven's Grocery Store A two minute read.......

As I was walking down life's highway many years ago I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store. When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide And when I came to myself I was standing inside. I saw a host of angels.
They were standing everywhere One handed me a basket and said "My child shop with care." Everything a human needed was in that grocery store And what you could not carry you could come back for more First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two. And Charity of course I would need some of that too. I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost It was all over the place. And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.
My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace, And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me.
Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill, for I thought I had everything to do the Masters will. As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in, for I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.
Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf. Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself. Then I said to the angel "Now how much do I owe?" He smiled and said "Just take them everywhere you go." Again I asked "Really now, How much do I owe?" "My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long long time ago."

Top 20 Best Excuses If Your Boss Catches You Visiting Entertainment Web Sites

1. I was trying to establish a link with reality. -cymbidium6
2. The help desk changed my default home page. - e-nnoyed
3. I was researching our competition. - What do we make again?
4. Look at the number of hits these guys have racked up - we have GOT to figure out their marketing strategy! - Alan in Chicago
5. I'm testing my monitor to make sure it gets all 4 million colors. - 2 million so far b e r t
6. I need to download all these MP3s to thoroughly test the sound drivers. The user is having intermittent problems with the sound. - Erika the Red
7. I'm checking out reports of bandwidth problems. - Our IT guy uses this all the time!
8. I'm testing the new content filters. Here's a list of porn sites try to access them from your office. Come back later to let me know if any of them got through the filter. - There ain't no filter, and he didn't come back
9. I found this site listed in the web history of a user's browser and was viewing the content to determine if it was appropriate or should be blocked. I'm going to audit your PC next. - Itbert
10. I don't know HOW my browser got to this site...damn Microsoft. - Bill Gates is ALWAYS to blame...
11. Mutter, "Dang these pop-up ads." - GoL
12. Dang viruses... did you know they can change ALL your bookmarks? - DynBert
13. I was just checking out the nav on this site. We should consider implementing a similar structure. - what's a nav?
14. Isn't it frustrating how many irrelevant hot links they put into bona-fide news articles? - Deputy Baron Og
15. I quit smoking, and this takes only half of the time the smokers use daily for that. - never smoked-bert
16. It was a link on HR's web page, showing the fun the side of our area to prospective employees. - Also-A-Barn-Sized-Hole-In-The-Firewall-Bert
17. Our firewall is worthless. I need 30K for an upgrade! - surfin' all day long
18. It's a support site for some software I'm working with. (He has no clue what I'm working with!) - unix-bert in a windows world
19. Just because Nicolas Cage and Johnny Depp are in the movie doesn't mean that it's not about our product. - Yes you can watch movies online
20. My boss complained because he "caught" me playing a game. It happened to be the game I was programming! We're a games company! - p*g* bert

Gender Wars - A final female response

The Eye Toy is 100% male because at first it's all new and exciting and
guarantees you hours of fun but the novelty soon wears off.

The Answerphone is male because although it serves a purpose, it doesn't retain an awful lot
of information and what it does hold is soon deleted as it's no longer relevant.

Ice Cream...let's face it, it's male: there's such a variety: admittedly there are the sweet ones (see, I'm being nice. Bonus point please), foreign ones, the ones which are yummy and the ones that make you go 'Eeee-yuk', there are some which are completely NUTS and finally, there are those with such bad advertising lines that you want to show them the 'Carte D'Or'!!

Gender Wars - A final male response

An Eye Toy is female because you want to show it off to your friends
whenever they come over... and it'll occasionally reward you with a high
score.

An answerphone is female because when you finally get through to it, you
realise there's no one at home..... No, no... must be kind... must be
kind.... an answerphone is female because it really doesn't talk for hours
and run up a huge bill....

Ice cream is female because, one warm touch of your lips, and they start to
melt. No no... too gross.... They can leave you feeling cold.... whoops...
no no no!! How about it's soft and squidgy, and really comes to life with a
bit of chocolate sauce.

Gender Wars Part 3 - Female's Quick Get Back

Photocopiers - male: by and large they're pretty dysfunctional

Tyres - Male: sorry - the point stands as women are never unbalanced (and er...why do we need tracking)!!

Gender Wars Part 2 - A Male's Response

Shoes are female because they get often get done up and worn out.

You're right - Photocopiers are certainly female because whenever you really need them they start saying they require more toning.

Tyres are certainly female because they are dangerous if they are unbalanced; and they also frequently require tracking.

Hot Air Ballons are female because when you really want to get somewhere they end up floating around aimlessly... (could have gone for the 'inflate to enormous sizes' thread here but chose not to.....!)

You're right - Sponges are female. Enough said.

The subway is female because most stuff in life passes straight through it.

An hourglass is male because it is a reliable time keeper.

Hammers are female because one occasionally feels like banging their heads against a brick wall.

A remote control is defintely female because they can switch off at the merest touch of a button.

Gender Wars Part 1 - A Female's Suggestion

Gender Wars is a series of battling emails between friends:

You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as female? Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a gender. And here are some of them:

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.

TYRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because! they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female ... Ha! You thought it would be "male". But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.

I Hope You Dance...

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend. *The last line says it all. *

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Because I am a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

Know your Bra's Religion

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," Said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable."Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist Makes mountains out of mole hills."

How Do These People Survive?

How the other half think!

  HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE ?

  (1)

  Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have
an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

  "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

  "You don't?" I replied.

  "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

  "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

  "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

  (2)

  The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple

of

  months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few

items

  and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I

picked

  up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and

placed

  it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the

"Divider"

  looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

  Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this

is?"

  I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that

today."

  She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue

as to

  what had just happened.

  (3)

  A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive

and

  pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was

doing,she

  said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a

credit

  card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

  (4)

  I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

  "Do you need some help?" I asked.

  She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote

door

  unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to

a

  distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

  "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

  "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car

keys to

  me.

  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why

don't you

  drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

  (5)

  Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.

  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost

out

  of typing paper. What do I do?"

  "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

  With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,

put it

  on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

  (6)

  I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was

towed

  into the garage.

  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole

thing

  generally looked like an extra in Twister.

  " I asked the manager what had happened.

  He told me t hat the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went

in

  the back to make a sandwich.

  (7)

  My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office

of a

  large bank.

  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their

  computers.

  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who

had

  this question:

  "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have

a

  fire downtown?"

  (8)

  Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a

metal

  colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy

machine.

  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed

the

  copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the

truth.

  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Hope this makes you smile

Ever wondered where we are headed...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

If that didn't make you feel Old This Will...

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because...

Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint Which was
promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent
'clackers' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags -riding in
the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the
same.

We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy Pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top

speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
before it got dark.

No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.

No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no
lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.

We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue we learned to
get over it.

We walked to friend's homes.

We also, believe it or not, didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to
school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of
them.

Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before
lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about
us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile
on your face.

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983........They
are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the
Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine
how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just new films
out last year.

They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old Skool song.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They've never heard of Pac-Man or Space Invaders or BBC computers that have
Bat n Ball games.

They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous
Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't
even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile
phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with
computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You've developed more and more feelings about your work. It's now your
life.

7. You spend less and less time talking on phone with your friends daily.

8. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days,
repeating again and again all funny stories you have experienced together.

9. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other
friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes, you're getting older!!!!

FW: Remember any of this?

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived,
because...

Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint Which was
promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent
'clackers' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags -riding in
the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the
same.

We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy Pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
before it got dark.

No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.

No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really

hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no
lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.

We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue we learned to
get over it.

We walked to friend's homes.

We also, believe it or not, didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to
school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of
them.

Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before
lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about
us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile
on your face.

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983........They
are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the
Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine
how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just new films
out last year.

They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old Skool song.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They've never heard of Pac-Man or Space Invaders or BBC computers that have
Bat n Ball games.

They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous
Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't even
know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile
phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with
computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You've developed more and more feelings about your work. It's now your
life.

7. You spend less and less time talking on phone with your friends daily.

8. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days,
repeating again and again all funny stories you have experienced together.

9. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other
friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes, you're getting older!!!!

Ever Wonder...

Did you ever stop and wonder?Who the first person was to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dingly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of it's ass."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does your Gynae leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look RIGHT up there anyway?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on...
Who the first person was to decide to pick a brussel sprout (which looks odd), boil it (which smells even worse than it looks) and then the best of all) to put it in his mouth and eat the stinky thing?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets pissed off with you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Music to Experts Ears

Answers on questions which had been taken by music-teachers.

1. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
2. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
3. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
4. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
5. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
6. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
7. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
8. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
9. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
10. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
11. My favorite composer is Opus.

The Truth About Life

Great Truths About Life that Little Children have Learned

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Hoover and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Granny's lap.

Great Truths About Life that Little Children have Learned

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Great Truths about Growing Old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Success Factors

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

What comes around goes around, life is very cyclical.

20 Ways To Maintain Mental Health

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Hard."
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!".
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..Its Called Therapy.

Absence from Work Due to Accident

Original (genuine email) from employee to manager...

I am sorry to have to tell you that I was struck by a car whilst riding my bike on Tuesday evening and suffered minor head injuries for which I received treatment at Peterborough District Hospital.

This has left me slightly concussed and with a painful neck as a result of which I have been unfit for work yesterday and today and probably tomorrow. I would hope that I will be fit for work again by Monday and will advise you accordingly if this is not the case.

Regards

employee...

Response from Manager...

Bad luck!

Look after your self you silly old sod! You're too old to be riding two wheelers get a tricycle for goodness sake.

Please keep me informed as to your recovery.

Kind regards

Manager...

Response from Employee...

Thanks for your E Mail.

In fact, I have been very lucky as a fraction of a second earlier and the car would have driven over me. The accident happened at a cross roads and the driver of the car (a young girl who had just recently passed her test) was to blame, driving straight into me from the side in a rush to cross the main road from the side road. She had simply not seen me!

I have been diagnosed as having concussion and whiplash. Whilst I have now shaken off the pounding headache and the neck is easing, I am still unbalanced and unsteady in normal walking and finding it difficult to concentrate and tire easily, so that I am not able to drive a car. As a
result, I have had to cancel the two meetings which I had arranged for this week.

I have arranged to see my doctor again tomorrow and expect to be issued with a medical certificate, as my period of self certification has nearly expired. I have asked how long it will take to clear, but have been told that it depends on the person and the severity of the injury, which is not of much help. I intend to "suck it and see" what work I can or cannot do as I get better, which will be dictated by how much I find I can concentrate without ill effect and how quickly I get tired.

I intend to get fully back to work (and back to my bike) as quickly as I can.

Regards

PS. Do you know where I can hire a man with a red flag who can run very fast?